new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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