perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
