Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
