Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
