No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
