i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
