the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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