Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
