A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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