and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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