Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
