do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
