i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The police scanner is talking about you again....
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
