made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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