Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
