Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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