Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
