I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
