How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Redeem this text for a blowjob
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
