My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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