Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
