i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
