Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
