at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
