Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
