Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
