Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
