I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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