my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Randomize
