how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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