There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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