You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
