is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
