even my farts smell like vagina
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
