Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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