allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i think i have two assholes
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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