"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
