how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Randomize
