I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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