WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
