How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
