you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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