Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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