I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
