I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
