Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
