My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
