I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
