He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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