I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
But break dance skills will only take you so far
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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