Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
