based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
